Wednesday, October 17, 2012

how are you?

do you ask because you really want to know?

is it safe to be honest?

because at this moment i am so un-fine.  it is so many little things that seem like a really big thing.  

i didn't sleep well last night because...well i just didn't.  

when i woke up i had a crick in my neck...

but do you really want to know that?  do you want to know...

that i went home and found a mess in the kitchen?

that the dog threw up (again)?

that the pants i hoped to wear to work were dirty?

that i feel like any moment i am going to come unraveled...shatter into a million pieces?

the mask comes out of hiding and gets firmly placed on my face.  the smile tacked on with the earrings.  

see i'm fine...except i'm not.  

i'm having one of those days my heart is tender and that look feels like a sword.  

that text undoes me because i think you are upset with me.  

i want to crawl under the covers and hide because there it is warm and dark and safe, but i can't.  

i'm supposed act fine...but i am so un-fine right now.  

i want to be held close and have a really good cry.  the snot slinging, use the entire box of kleenex, where is the visine kind of cry.  the kind of cry that is exhausting but lets it all out kind of cry.  

but there isn't time for that right i'll act fine for a little longer...

a text sent to a prayer warrior, a pm on facebook to an (in)courage friend, an email to another grandma, and sweet, sweet words that remind me, i am so not un-fine. 

peace falls around me like a blanket.  i just got lost for a little while and let go of Christ's hand.  thought i could do it all alone.  

how are you?  join us over at (in)spired and let us really know.

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