Thursday, June 7, 2012

being a "good girl






I recently had a very special gift dropped into my lap by God as I was searching for encouragement and hope.  


I came across this blog A Holy Experience and from the blog learned to look for joy in little things and to see the gifts I already have from this great book with pictures that take my breath away (One Thousand Gifts) .  That then led to this incredible online community ((in)courage) where I am learning I am not the only one feeling overwhelmed, broken, and alone.  That in turn led to this really great book Grace for the Good Girl and now an online discussion of the book. 


I tend to be cynical about books that make such grandiose claims and yet within sentences I was sobbing as I read about myself in someone else’s words.  They were words about wanting to be perfect, always knowing what to do and how to do it, and feeling disconnected between what others see and what happens on the inside.  Words about fear and finding God and yet acting as though it was up to me. 


This book has challenged me to look at masks and yet to be gentle as I do so.  To remember that what Jesus is calling me to is a deeper, truer, freer me.  Me.  Not good works.  Me.  Not perfection.  Me. 


This week’s discussion question is:  What do you feel pushed around by? Others expectations? Your need to be needed? Your to-do list? People’s opinions?


I say I want to just love Jesus and yet I find myself being pushed to do things the way I am “supposed” to do them.   That “supposed to” comes from myself just as often as from childhood messages, role models, and even the institution to which I pledge obedience and likely 99 million other things I pretend not to care about.  


The more I get caught up in the “supposed to” the more fearful I become until I just want to run away or crawl under my bed and hide.  Not only do I need to be needed, I must check off all those things on my to do list before they ever, ever appear there, and heaven forbid if someone questions that I have a tattoo or go barefoot on the altar, wear bright toe nail polish, and oh please let’s not mention that sometimes I cry when I am sad or get mad when people say bad things about people I love.   That is when that whole give up and keep being bad thing happens.  That Eeyore voice that speaks to my soul.  That little cartoon character that says "it'll never work."  I will never be good enough, perfect enough, what ever enough.


All that said, this week I am also supposed to be kind to myself and not try to “strangle” my good girl all at once.  Hello?  Where is my list of steps to follow?   How can I wait?  I must do it now and I must do it perfectly!


So one thing I did today to be kind to myself (and I think to her) was to be honest with another “good girl.”  It felt so freeing to share, to have tears come to our eyes, to know that while one may run and the other hide, we are both afraid.  Afraid of not being perfect, not being good, not being loved.  Yet I think some of the tears had to do with wanting to be free, to be happy to just be, to be real, and honest, and broken, and a mess, and ….be loved by this incredibly dangerous savior who calls us to lay down that mask of perfection and pick up his mask of love.  In the midst of this conversation I found a glimpse of that freedom.   In those moments I knew again that Jesus has already done the work, I just keep forgetting it is done and it is not about me.


I encourage you to check out the book, the discussion group, the blog, or the community that started me down this path.  Better yet, let’s talk about it…


I am good enough and so are you my dear friend...because...well, because you are you and you are beloved.





15 comments:

  1. Julie, thanks for sharing your post with all of us over on Facebook. I struggle with "supposed to" as well. If you are still looking for a small thing you can do right now (instead of trying to strangle the good girl as Emily put it) someone once told me to try to reframe my thinking and teach myself to say "I choose to" instead of "I'm supposed to" when thinking about things. I don't know what the outcome of that is for others but it's turned some of the things I'm "supposed to" do into things I no longer "choose to" do - which is a lovely freedom!

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  2. it is indeed kasey. thanks for sharing.

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  3. Touching comments, Julie Anna. I was just getting ready to go to the site but still have a little reading to do before I am finished with the 3rd chapter. The book is really resonating with me. At 63, I recognized long ago that I have always sabotaged myself with fear of failure. Most of the time I do not try things that I don't think I will be really good at. I set out in life to be an artist and got sidetracked by marriage and life with a brief stint as a graphics artist. After reading the first chapter, I bought a notebook and started writing things down. Not sure where it will lead but it felt good to do something. I am determined to move a step forward toward my true self with each new day (about time huh!). Today my daughter posted a beautiful message - how in her independence she had not allowed herself to be a "girl" - she has 4 boys + a husband in her life. She felt that maybe she had missed some "girl" time with me. Funny that she would decide to become more like me because I always want to be more like her. :)

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    1. So glad you are doing this Mary. Try to let the reading go if it is getting in the way. I think you & i have lots in common. Shall we figure out face time?

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    2. Went ahead and read responses on the site before finishing. It's hard for me to read that so many young women are so pressured to be so perfect...and I thought it was hard for me. Tried to give a comment to one young person and also connect with one about my age...small steps...can't reach everyone. I would face time with you.

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  4. This is a beautiful post. I'm so glad you wrote out your thoughts here and shared the link on facebook with us! Your words have brought tears tonight - I do hope you'll continue to work through the difference between the voice of the good girl and the voice of God.

    Thanks again for your honesty.

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    1. Thank you for being brave enough to write the words and bold enough to share them Emily. Looking forward to what God has in store for us!

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  5. I can SO relate to what you are saying about "supposed" to. I have felt so trapped for so long by all the things I was supposed to do an be. When my daughter came along and I could no long live with myself and do the things I though I was "supposed" to do it threw me for a big loop, but a good one. Doing this book this summer is the next step in that I think. So grateful for such an amazing community already!

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  6. Ha! Where's your list of steps!?! That's exactly what I wondered the first time I read it. Don't worry, they're coming. We have to fully identify that there's a problem before we can fix it, you can't get ahead on your to do list with this one. ;)

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  7. Visiting from Grace for the Good Girl group. Beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  8. Great post. Summarized my feelings perfectly. This study is jut what I need right now with the loss of a teaching job at a Christian school where I was the last to know-after parents and students. Feeling like a punching bag for Christians. Two more school days where I need to wear the mask and pretend to be happy instead of sad, bruised and bleeding.

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