shyness unmasked

For an extrovert I can be really shy …ok maybe not shy.  Can one really be an extrovert and shy at the same time?  Apparently one can according to a quick Google search.  But this thing, it doesn’t seem like it is shy.  For as much as I long for community and reach for it, I am beginning to realize how much I run from it when it comes my way. 

I recently had the chance to begin moving into a deeper relationship with a woman I met through an (in)courage group.  For some reason we connected via conversations about life, faith, children, and grandchildren.  She sees something in me that led her to reach out.  I was honored and blessed because I think she is a great writer and she is a hero in many ways.  Yet each time we were supposed to chat via phone or computer, I suddenly “had something come up.” 

Then you know that one friend who has seen you at your absolute worst?  You know the one who has shared too many tissues, too much chocolate?  The one you call when the tears are coming so hard she can’t understand you, but reminds you to breathe any way? 

Yea, her…  She recently moved even further away and we have talked about Skype time, but I just couldn’t do it.  Why?  Well…she would see me.  I mean SEE me.  The day off, tired, cranky, grubby clothes me who was in the midst of a pity party me.  And that wouldn’t be pretty.  (yes she has seen me at my worst, but this was “different”).

As I tried to unpack the baggage that goes with the disconnect between my love of connecting with people and sharing stories and this me that runs away from community, I realize this is nothing new.

It goes back to that same place I hid as a little girl and then as a teenager and later as a single mother.  The one who was afraid to let people in because they would see the real me.  The one who had secrets at home.  The one who tried so hard to fit in she belonged nowhere. 

If you don’t see the real me, you can’t dislike me, right?  Or so I told myself (and others apparently). 

When I finally was brave enough to be honest to the (hopefully still) new friend and my sister friend it was like an elephant crawled off my chest.  Oh it wasn’t easy, but I did it. 

I even lasted longer than 30 seconds on Skype.  Joshua Brayden Beast stayed right there and let me pet him to stay almost calm.  And I even said the words out loud.  I.  Am.  Afraid. 

Last year I read this great book and took part in an online study group about masks.  For all I got out of it, I have quickly unlearned just as much.  That mask taker upper has reemerged in my life. 

As one who seriously lives a liturgical life (even my table cloth at home matches the season) I am living that desert time called Lent.  That time of heading into the desert to face the tempter and temptations.  The ones that take my eyes off God. 

When I look in the mirror, I realize the biggest tempter stares back at me right there in the mirror.  Her eyes that won’t quite meet mine.  The tilt to her head that she thinks keeps her safe.  She is frightened and that is sinful. 

Because she is wonderfully and fearfully made. 

By a God who loves her even more than the friend who sees her at her worst. 

And that running?  She isn’t running from intimacy with friends or even herself…

She is running from God. 

Because there? 

There is no hiding. 

And that has nothing to do with shyness and everything to do with fear and doubt.

So for Lent this year? 

She is going to try to be brave.  She is asking those who love her (including God) to not let her hide. 

And maybe someday that mask taker upper can be patted gently on the head and thanked for helping her hide when she needed to, but now?  Now she doesn’t need masks.

Because God has this.  

And her.  

Right in the palm of God’s hand.

http://www.virtue31.org/2012/02/scripture-of-day.html

community coming near

community has been coming to me in new ways in the last year or so thanks to social media and some women who listen and respond to other women.

i have been blessed with the gift of two incredible groups of women that have become dear to me and allow me to see Jesus up close and personal.  i "found" these women while searching to connect on a deeper level with other women seeking after God.  we were brought together through the ministry of (in)courage.

just a few examples...

one night as i struggled to find words to share with others i spent some time doing research on Facebook.  while there one post led to another and i became intrigued by a link posted by a "friend."  the link led to a powerful You Tube video of an old hymn sung in a way that was unfamiliar to me.  that video led to the words i needed to share with others.

in the past when something like happened i would say a quick prayer of thanks and move on.  this time i took a risk and sent a message to the lady who posted the link thanking her for how much the post blessed me.  that evening we messaged back and forth and i now have a new friend i may never meet this side of heaven.

• me:  Thank you for sharing. I so needed that this evening. It has been a rough day and now I have had church. To be so free in front of others in worship is a gift.  And the words are words to remember as I prepare to step into the pulpit tomorrow.  You have blessed me in ways you will never know C!

  C: well then go'on and preach, girl! Stand flat footed and deliver healing water to those thirsty in the desert. I want to hear all about it. 

  me:  you make my heart smile.  sweet dreams!

  C: a blessing upon your rest and your heart. Good night, sweet sister. Peace and good to you in Jesus' name

on another evening i realized a lady in one of the groups whose passion and love for her children had touched me had been on my heart all day (this is always a sign to me to pray for a person).  usually that would lead me to quietly praying and moving on.  this time i took yet another risk and send a note to her.  her response let me know the prayers were appreciated.  i don't know what i was praying for and don't need to know, but was glad to know reaching out helped a sister on the journey at the right time.

• me:  Not sure why but God has placed you on my heart this afternoon. I took that as a call to pray for you and your family.  No need to share why, just wanted you to know I am praying.
  J: Thank you for that! I appreciate it more than you will ever know.  :)
  me: <3
  
  a high school friend recently connected with me in one of these groups and our relationship has grown in ways living in two different countries would not have allowed without social media.  while struggling through the crud recently i was unable to share in my super power of (in)couragement.  she noticed and posted words of prayer and healing which were affirmed by other ladies in the group.  they used their super powers to bring a smile to a sickie face.

M: Let's remember to pray for Julie today. I think I'm seeing that she's not feeling great today. You are LOVED dear friend! I'm sure I speak for the whole community here :-)

God is using social media to send people into my life in new ways and at just the right time for just the right purpose.   what started in each of these examples as one way communication became relationship.  relationship centered on Christ and rooted deeper as we trust in God to work out the details.

there are many women who are sharing their super power of (in)couraging others and social media is allowing us to live into being the body of Christ as we share our gifts to build one another up.  community and connection is happening in new ways.  creative ways.  ways this over 50 woman still doesn't always understand yet is coming to thank God for.

want to experience this incredible community for yourself?  stay tuned at (in)courage for the next round of groups for women beginning february 12th.  and join us april 26th and 27th for (in)RL 2013.

As you go, 

proclaim the good news, 

“The kingdom of heaven

has come near.”  

Matthew 10.7

The gift of community....

Today is the DAY!!!!!

Registration for (in)RL 2013 is live!

(in)RL was born out of two years spent listening to women in the comments at (in)courage craving local, real life community. Derived from the social media acronym “IRL” or “in real life,” (in)RL is an invitation to share what we’ve learned about community and encourage women with stories and suggestions for connecting deeper in real life.

   Think of it as a FREE girl’s weekend away that doesn’t require packing or plane tickets, where women can kick off any expectation of perfect, set aside their fears, their shyness, their worry that they’re not good enough, and find some of Jesus’ words of rest woven into every video shared here.

Here are a few reasons you might want to register:

  Everyone who registers on the day registration opens (Monday Jan 14) gets a copy of our (in)courage 365 Daybrightener while supplies last (US residents only).

  Everyone gets a copy of our first eBook: “Best of the Beach House 2012.”

The webcast kicks off on Friday, April 26th and local meetups are on Saturday, April 27th.

The focus this year will be looking closer at what it takes to stay rooted in community when sometimes just walking away would be so much easier and tons more convenient.  

 Women share stories of how they've chosen to stay through hard marriages, challenging parenting, worthwhile friendships. How choosing to stay has freed them more fully and unexpectedly than if they'd cut and run.

Still not sure?

Watch this:

Have questions?  Be in touch with me or go to the (in)courage website.

Watch for details for a meetup right in your own community!

So go here now and register!  

speaking of gifts, here are mine:

those gifts i already have,

given by the giver of all...

21.  baby burros, llamas, and goats on a drive

22.  hearing God in the midst of the prayers of a sister

23.  untying knots

24.  holy meals after long meetings

25.  laughing over lunch

26.  finding one who was lost

27.  hiding under the covers with a cold

28.  seeing "that" movie and agreeing with the hype

29.  Greek food

30.  "a car full of Christian women"

31.  growing deeper with one another

32.  encouraging words in unexpected places

33.  hearing people i love say they are proud of me

34.  baptism practice

35.  the "real" baptism

36.  balcony people

37.  seeing tears as words of truth and hope are spoken

38.  Isaiah 43.1...really...really...knowing it IS true

39.  being together again for Java Jesus after too long of a break

40.  my "tribe" helping carry me through the waters as they rise and the fire when it burns

community can put us back together...

i once came across a quote that said something to the effect of "it is never too late to have a happy childhood."  i held on to those words and at the age of 45 i found out it is true.

i had been doing some hard and holy work with a woman who helped me untangle knots in my soul and how to learn to see with new lenses.  in our work together i learned i had only one happy birthday memory.  

she suggested i do a brave thing and go back to the time that little girl inside needed a birthday party.  that little girl was eight and she had just moved to a new town and she knew no one.  her teacher that year was mean because she was left handed...there were probably other reasons, but that is what i remember now looking back from such a distance.

it was not a happy year and birthday celebrations didn't stand out as happy times.  so my 45 year old self shared that with a friend.  that friend knew it was sad and made a plan.

she learned that i learned to skate almost before i could walk and suggested a skating party.  

so she made reservations and she asked me to make a guest list...i didn't know why because my eight year old self didn't think anyone would come, remember i was left-handed.  

she persevered and a list was made.

then she made invitations...

and reservations...

and bought a cake...

and vanilla ice cream (my favorite eight year old flavor)...

and bought kazoos....

and some people thought it was silly, but my eight year old self could hardly sleep because she was so excited, but my 45 year old self kept hearing the voice of the hissing one...and i almost backed out...

but my dear sister was so excited about a party and presents and cake and skating with me...and i couldn't let her down, could i?

and the day came and on the ride to the skating rink i couldn't sit still.  we got there and i didn't want to get out of the car, but i got brave and i did.  i even walked through the door.

and when i did?  all those wonderful friends who understood it is never to late to help put a friend back together were there...

and we skated...

and ate cake and ice cream...

and i opened presents my eight year old self loved (and my 45 year old self giggled over)...

(one present that has been re-gifted to my sister is my bumble bee light which i turned on to remind me of the light of Christ i found in a special way that day.  i pray it lights her way during this hard time when she needs to be very brave)

and i listened to some very special people sing and kazoo happy birthday to me...

and i cried tears of joy...

and a big part of me got put back together...

and i learned that God had put me just where i needed to be...

and my lenses got a little clearer...

and at that skating rink i saw the light of Christ in people as they were his loving hands and heart...

and i learned that God redeems even when our lenses get cracked...

and that is how part of me got put back together by a community that loved me enough to be eight years old with me.

will you share a time your community helped put you back together?

for the birds...

the birds are teaching me much about life in community these days.


as i took my nest update pics today i was amazed at how carefully mama robin is making her nest.  remember yesterday it was mud and bugs and a few pieces of straw and twigs.


this is it today...

she has carefully padded it for the eggs that will soon be nurtured here using every means she has to prepare a safe place for her babies.  a place of safety and a haven from the elements.


we too try to carefully construct places that are loving, warm, authentic, and safe.  sadly, like the starlings above our garage, there are those who  come and try to take for themselves things that are not theirs to take or to destroy what has been built in our life together.  they engage in actions that undermine the fabric of the community, much like the starlings did to this nest...

it is easy to become discouraged and take their words and actions as permission to give up, to walk away, to search for a cave instead of build a nest.  


that is where i found myself today.  thanks be to God i was able to spend time with a beloved who reminded me that nests can be rebuilt, reused, and even added to.  they are stronger than they appear and often take much time to construct.


i left the visit encouraged, thankful for a respite in the midst of the chaos of life in community, and time on the porch brought the remembrance of swallows from my childhood (learn more here: swallows ).  i found myself waiting with anticipation for the bells to ring.  as a child the joy of hearing them was a reminder of continuity in the midst of continuous change.  a re-learning or re-remembering that some things, like God's love, never change even when we try to move them away or think others can tear them down.


i was also able to take these pics  (reminded again how social the swallows are)...

notice the careful construction of the nest.  literally thousands and thousands of nests used to be found built right on top of one another at Mission San Juan Capistrano and you can see here why they are able to do so...

feeding time (didn't want to get too close)...

this little one threw a stick at me to say it was time to go home...

... and i did grateful to my friends, feathered and not, for encouraging me to keep on building and loving me enough provide a safe place to land when the winds blow me off track. 


so again i wait with anticipation for the bells to ring as we enter our little nest as a family to worship together the parent who loves us so completely.